The Man Who Does Cool Man Things (A Cautionary Tale)
July 2025 - NEWS4U Evansville
There's something about summer that makes people go crazy and want to improve things. The weather is warm, the days are long, and apparently, everyone on Earth wakes up and says, "You know what would make this season better? Sweating uncontrollably while holding a power drill."
Sadly, I'm no different. By July 1, I get the same delusional surge of confidence. I walk into the garage, see my dusty toolbox that hasn't been opened since January, and tell myself this will be the year. This will be the year I fix stuff like a real man does. All will know me as the Man who does cool man things, like rerouting the sump pump line while drinking a beer and leaning on a shovel like he's posing for a hardware calendar.
The first step is to start small. The mailbox is wobbly. A man of action would fix it in twenty minutes. Me? Three days, two hours, and one shattered spirit later, I finally fixed the wobble, but now the mailbox is leaning slightly to the left, maybe out of protest. I even added a decorative rock at the base to make the lean look intentional. I call it "modern rustic" and hope my nosy neighbors just ignore the massive amount of duct tape.
Since mailboxes aren't my thing, I then had the great idea to stain the deck. Looking back, I have regrets. The instructions said to apply one even coat. The problem, as it turns out, is that deck stain dries at the speed of light if the sun even looks at it. I couldn't keep up, and now my deck has the same patterns as a topographical map of a war-torn country. I told my neighbor it was my "artistic choice," but he just nodded politely and backed away slowly.
Of course, no summer is complete without the sacred tradition of me hauling a giant ladder around the house like I'm preparing for a medieval siege. I used it to clean the gutters. Yikes. Not sure about the gutters where you live, but I found things up there that I'm fairly certain were part of an ancient civilization. Halfway through, I dropped the hose and soaked my pants. Now my family believes I have a problem wetting myself at high altitude and has asked me to see a doctor.
You'd think I'd stop, that I'd learn. But no, because deep down, I believe if I buy just one more tool, just one more gadget, I'll finally become a competent man who can fix things. I now own seventeen screwdrivers, two drills, and a caulk gun I don't fully understand. The ladder and I are no longer on speaking terms.
If I've learned anything, it's that despite the splinters, stains, and arguments with inanimate objects, it's not really about perfection. It's about trying. It's about improvement. And my therapist tells me those are the most important things.
If I can leave you with some advice, it's this: life isn't about perfection, but it's about moving forward the best you can. As for me, the next time I'm on that ladder, I'll remember to turn the hose off.
That's progress.
Sadly, I'm no different. By July 1, I get the same delusional surge of confidence. I walk into the garage, see my dusty toolbox that hasn't been opened since January, and tell myself this will be the year. This will be the year I fix stuff like a real man does. All will know me as the Man who does cool man things, like rerouting the sump pump line while drinking a beer and leaning on a shovel like he's posing for a hardware calendar.
The first step is to start small. The mailbox is wobbly. A man of action would fix it in twenty minutes. Me? Three days, two hours, and one shattered spirit later, I finally fixed the wobble, but now the mailbox is leaning slightly to the left, maybe out of protest. I even added a decorative rock at the base to make the lean look intentional. I call it "modern rustic" and hope my nosy neighbors just ignore the massive amount of duct tape.
Since mailboxes aren't my thing, I then had the great idea to stain the deck. Looking back, I have regrets. The instructions said to apply one even coat. The problem, as it turns out, is that deck stain dries at the speed of light if the sun even looks at it. I couldn't keep up, and now my deck has the same patterns as a topographical map of a war-torn country. I told my neighbor it was my "artistic choice," but he just nodded politely and backed away slowly.
Of course, no summer is complete without the sacred tradition of me hauling a giant ladder around the house like I'm preparing for a medieval siege. I used it to clean the gutters. Yikes. Not sure about the gutters where you live, but I found things up there that I'm fairly certain were part of an ancient civilization. Halfway through, I dropped the hose and soaked my pants. Now my family believes I have a problem wetting myself at high altitude and has asked me to see a doctor.
You'd think I'd stop, that I'd learn. But no, because deep down, I believe if I buy just one more tool, just one more gadget, I'll finally become a competent man who can fix things. I now own seventeen screwdrivers, two drills, and a caulk gun I don't fully understand. The ladder and I are no longer on speaking terms.
If I've learned anything, it's that despite the splinters, stains, and arguments with inanimate objects, it's not really about perfection. It's about trying. It's about improvement. And my therapist tells me those are the most important things.
If I can leave you with some advice, it's this: life isn't about perfection, but it's about moving forward the best you can. As for me, the next time I'm on that ladder, I'll remember to turn the hose off.
That's progress.
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Danny Browning is a nationally touring stand-up comedian, clean corporate entertainer, and monthly humor columnist for News4U Evansville. Based in Southern Indiana, he has performed at comedy clubs, corporate galas, and nonprofit fundraisers across Indianapolis, Louisville, Evansville, Cincinnati, and beyond, including the Improv, the Funny Bone, and stages alongside Norm MacDonald, Jim Norton, and Jennifer Coolidge. Comedy & Curiosities is his attempt to be funny without a microphone. It's going okay.
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Danny Browning | Comedian, Humorist & Monthly Troublemaker for News4U Evansville