Cupid Is the Worst (Except When He's Not)
Danny Browning February 2025 - NEWS4U Evansville
Cupid is the worst. Except when he's not.
Every year, as soon as the leftover Christmas crap goes on clearance, store shelves are overrun with heart-shaped everything. These trinkets and treats are designed to prove to our loved ones just how much we care about them. Because, apparently, the coffee maker I got her for Christmas less than 2 months ago didn't quite say "I love you" loud enough.
Don't get me wrong, I like Valentine's Day. Sure, it's a manufactured holiday designed to pad the profits of greeting card and candy companies, but I appreciate having a day dedicated to loving and honoring the people that we love and honor. My problem is with the mascot. A flying baby armed with a bow and heart-tipped arrows that force people to fall in love. His aim is questionable at best, and he has way too much freedom. His mother, Venus, the goddess of love, apparently finds this adorable because, hey, love is great, right? It's basically the Roman god equivalent of "those people" you see causing chaos at Walmart.
The commercialization of Valentine's Day is the worst. Everywhere you look, it's pink and purple everything — chocolates, cards, and jewelry commercials that make you feel like a monster if you don't spend three months' salary. Every other ad on the radio is a diamond company offering "special deals" on overpriced rings. And for the younger generation, it's endless rows of Squishmallows and stuffed animals. Who even has room for those? They don't say "romantic." They say, "I panicked at Walgreens."
But let's give credit where credit is due: Valentine's Day gets one thing right — chocolate. Sweet, glorious chocolate. Forget Cupid, overpriced bouquets, and those $8 glitter-bomb cards. Chocolate is the real hero of this holiday. It's the one thing that never lets us down. Whether it's truffles, chocolate-covered strawberries, or melted chocolate drizzled over your partner's naked body, it's the necessity we need — not just on Valentine's Day, but all month long.
So, this year, let's rethink Valentine's Day. Skip the overpriced gestures and the pressure to be romantic on demand. Instead, grab a box of chocolates, put on your comfiest pants, and enjoy a night in with the people — or snacks — you truly love.
Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention my Valentine. I'm incredibly fortunate to have a lovely woman in my life who keeps me sane and happy. Pam, I appreciate you and I love you. Even though we'll be apart this Valentine's Day, my heart is always yours.
And if you're single, treat yourself. Chocolate doesn't judge. It doesn't need love arrows or grand declarations. It's just there for you, steady, reliable, like Cupid's absentee mother should've been.
Every year, as soon as the leftover Christmas crap goes on clearance, store shelves are overrun with heart-shaped everything. These trinkets and treats are designed to prove to our loved ones just how much we care about them. Because, apparently, the coffee maker I got her for Christmas less than 2 months ago didn't quite say "I love you" loud enough.
Don't get me wrong, I like Valentine's Day. Sure, it's a manufactured holiday designed to pad the profits of greeting card and candy companies, but I appreciate having a day dedicated to loving and honoring the people that we love and honor. My problem is with the mascot. A flying baby armed with a bow and heart-tipped arrows that force people to fall in love. His aim is questionable at best, and he has way too much freedom. His mother, Venus, the goddess of love, apparently finds this adorable because, hey, love is great, right? It's basically the Roman god equivalent of "those people" you see causing chaos at Walmart.
The commercialization of Valentine's Day is the worst. Everywhere you look, it's pink and purple everything — chocolates, cards, and jewelry commercials that make you feel like a monster if you don't spend three months' salary. Every other ad on the radio is a diamond company offering "special deals" on overpriced rings. And for the younger generation, it's endless rows of Squishmallows and stuffed animals. Who even has room for those? They don't say "romantic." They say, "I panicked at Walgreens."
But let's give credit where credit is due: Valentine's Day gets one thing right — chocolate. Sweet, glorious chocolate. Forget Cupid, overpriced bouquets, and those $8 glitter-bomb cards. Chocolate is the real hero of this holiday. It's the one thing that never lets us down. Whether it's truffles, chocolate-covered strawberries, or melted chocolate drizzled over your partner's naked body, it's the necessity we need — not just on Valentine's Day, but all month long.
So, this year, let's rethink Valentine's Day. Skip the overpriced gestures and the pressure to be romantic on demand. Instead, grab a box of chocolates, put on your comfiest pants, and enjoy a night in with the people — or snacks — you truly love.
Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention my Valentine. I'm incredibly fortunate to have a lovely woman in my life who keeps me sane and happy. Pam, I appreciate you and I love you. Even though we'll be apart this Valentine's Day, my heart is always yours.
And if you're single, treat yourself. Chocolate doesn't judge. It doesn't need love arrows or grand declarations. It's just there for you, steady, reliable, like Cupid's absentee mother should've been.
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Danny Browning is a nationally touring stand-up comedian, clean corporate entertainer, and monthly humor columnist for News4U Evansville. Based in Southern Indiana, he has performed at comedy clubs, corporate galas, and nonprofit fundraisers across Indianapolis, Louisville, Evansville, Cincinnati, and beyond, including the Improv, the Funny Bone, and stages alongside Norm MacDonald, Jim Norton, and Jennifer Coolidge. Comedy & Curiosities is his attempt to be funny without a microphone. It's going okay.
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Danny Browning | Comedian, Humorist & Monthly Troublemaker for News4U Evansville