Bathtub Parties, Bacon, and the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
By: Danny Browning
News4U Dec. 2024
News4U Dec. 2024
December is upon us, and my hair still smells like deep-fried turkey.
I don’t know about you, but the past 11 months have blurred together like the provocative pages of a “Where’s Waldo?” book. Good news: these last 31 days are the holiday sauce. December offers something for everyone: incredible shopping deals, fun family meals, and if you’re lucky, some sexy New Year’s Eve parties with a festive assortment of cheeseballs.
When it comes to religious holidays, December is home to the legends. Christians celebrate Christmas, Jews observe Hanukkah, and the Costanzas bring us Festivus, all encouraging quality time with loved ones, often punctuated by the airing of grievances around the dinner table. Not for you? No worries. December is stuffed like a stocking with other holidays that will bring you joy faster than Rudolph during rush hour.
December 5 - Bathtub Party Day: This fun and lighthearted holiday encourages people to enjoy a relaxing bath. The idea is to take a break from the stresses of the season and indulge in a soothing soak, despite the presence of dead skin flakes and poop particles. I wasn’t even planning to bring this up, but apparently, some people still enjoy taking baths. If that’s you, then grab your rubber ducky, pour yourself a glass of wine, and rub-a-dub-dub until you achieve that life-changing Herbal Essence moment.
December 6 - Bartender Appreciation Day: Joy to the world, the bartender has come with drinks! No one deserves their own day more than bartenders. They work tirelessly during the holiday season, helping us cope with the stress of the festivities. This day may not be as important as Christmas, but let’s be honest: while baby Jesus is the bringer of salvation and light, bartenders bring margaritas and limes. Much like the menorah that burns bright for eight days, a good bartender’s patience and stamina are unwavering during the holiday rush. Essentially, bartenders may not perform divine miracles, but they certainly know how to spread cheer with your favorite holiday spirits.
December 21 - Crossword Puzzle Day: Studies suggest that doing crossword puzzles may help improve vocabulary, memory, and overall cognitive function. They’re also a great excuse to curl up by the fire and stay home from church. Remember, if you ever come across the clue, “A 6-letter word for how Santa likes his beer,” the answer is FROSTY.
December 30 - National Bacon Day: There’s nothing better than a bacon-infused Bloody Mary, and there’s no better time than the end of the year to enjoy several. If you love bacon, the most American thing you can do is overindulge today. Even the Bible says that the three wise men brought the baby Jesus frankincense, gold, and bacon-wrapped cocktail wieners, so it’s perfectly okay for you to air-fry some Oreos wrapped in that thick-cut deliciousness.
Whatever day you celebrate, I wish you joy and merriment this holiday season.
Go out, grab some local LAUGHS, and don’t forget to TIP your bartenders!
I don’t know about you, but the past 11 months have blurred together like the provocative pages of a “Where’s Waldo?” book. Good news: these last 31 days are the holiday sauce. December offers something for everyone: incredible shopping deals, fun family meals, and if you’re lucky, some sexy New Year’s Eve parties with a festive assortment of cheeseballs.
When it comes to religious holidays, December is home to the legends. Christians celebrate Christmas, Jews observe Hanukkah, and the Costanzas bring us Festivus, all encouraging quality time with loved ones, often punctuated by the airing of grievances around the dinner table. Not for you? No worries. December is stuffed like a stocking with other holidays that will bring you joy faster than Rudolph during rush hour.
December 5 - Bathtub Party Day: This fun and lighthearted holiday encourages people to enjoy a relaxing bath. The idea is to take a break from the stresses of the season and indulge in a soothing soak, despite the presence of dead skin flakes and poop particles. I wasn’t even planning to bring this up, but apparently, some people still enjoy taking baths. If that’s you, then grab your rubber ducky, pour yourself a glass of wine, and rub-a-dub-dub until you achieve that life-changing Herbal Essence moment.
December 6 - Bartender Appreciation Day: Joy to the world, the bartender has come with drinks! No one deserves their own day more than bartenders. They work tirelessly during the holiday season, helping us cope with the stress of the festivities. This day may not be as important as Christmas, but let’s be honest: while baby Jesus is the bringer of salvation and light, bartenders bring margaritas and limes. Much like the menorah that burns bright for eight days, a good bartender’s patience and stamina are unwavering during the holiday rush. Essentially, bartenders may not perform divine miracles, but they certainly know how to spread cheer with your favorite holiday spirits.
December 21 - Crossword Puzzle Day: Studies suggest that doing crossword puzzles may help improve vocabulary, memory, and overall cognitive function. They’re also a great excuse to curl up by the fire and stay home from church. Remember, if you ever come across the clue, “A 6-letter word for how Santa likes his beer,” the answer is FROSTY.
December 30 - National Bacon Day: There’s nothing better than a bacon-infused Bloody Mary, and there’s no better time than the end of the year to enjoy several. If you love bacon, the most American thing you can do is overindulge today. Even the Bible says that the three wise men brought the baby Jesus frankincense, gold, and bacon-wrapped cocktail wieners, so it’s perfectly okay for you to air-fry some Oreos wrapped in that thick-cut deliciousness.
Whatever day you celebrate, I wish you joy and merriment this holiday season.
Go out, grab some local LAUGHS, and don’t forget to TIP your bartenders!
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Danny Browning is a nationally touring stand-up comedian, clean corporate entertainer, and monthly humor columnist for News4U Evansville. Based in Southern Indiana, he has performed at comedy clubs, corporate galas, and nonprofit fundraisers across Indianapolis, Louisville, Evansville, Cincinnati, and beyond, including the Improv, the Funny Bone, and stages alongside Norm MacDonald, Jim Norton, and Jennifer Coolidge.
Comedy & Curiosities is his attempt to be funny without a microphone. It's going okay. |
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Danny Browning | Comedian, Humorist & Monthly Troublemaker for News4U